Amidst the winter-induced boredom, I will occasionally spend a few minutes flipping through one of my favorite guilty pleasure websites, Lamebook.com. For the uninitiated, Lamebook is a collection of funny and weird screencaps, primarily from social media-related sites like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Many of the “posts” are not all that great if I’m being honest, but there are some homeruns if you scroll long enough.
While enjoying my coffee this morning, I stumbled upon an inspiring Craigslist ad for a ’99 Toyota Corolla located in Houston. What this ad lacks in mentions of mileage and any maintenance history, it more than makes up for in its straightforwardness, rich storytelling, and quantity of curse words (I counted six). So, without further ado, I present to you:
Title 1999 Toyota Corolla - Fine AF
You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that's hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.
The 1999 Toyota Corolla.
Let's talk about features.
Fancy wheels: nope
Rear view camera: nope...but it's got a transparent rear window and you have a fucking neck that can turn.
Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn't give a shit and ignored it. It went away. The End.
You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would fucking start right up.
This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.
Things this car is old enough to do:
Consent to sex: yes
Rent a car: it IS a car
This car's got history. It's seen some shit. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It's not going to judge you like a fucking Volkswagen would.
This car's exterior color is gray, but its interior color is grey.
In the owner's manual, oil is listed as "optional."
When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary "Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla"
You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.
Favorite food: spaghetti
Favorite tv show: Alf
Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms
This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It's as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It's as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.
When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, "It's a Corolla. It's fine."
Let's face the facts, this car isn't going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn't the car you want, it's the car you deserve: The fucking 1999 Toyota Corolla.
Link: Original Ad
Even though we don’t know what this Corolla ultimately sold for, I can only assume there was an aggressive bidding war due to the author’s colorful description of “the car you deserve.”